DTP Part 86

Thinking (Part 3)
Written on: November 13, 2004 (age seventeen)

I look back on what I did last year
A poem by this very name
Crazy how worried I seemed
About so many things
Life, death
Past and future
About a ring to bind me
To someone I despise now
I was even feeling this way then

Now that terrible feeling of being bound is gone
I want the ring
From the man of my dreams
I'm giddy with excitement
When rings are exchanged
And vows are said
No matter how soon or long
Until that day
I now know who it will be

Growing up is still a scary thing
But now, not as much as before
My life has found its course
Leading me and guiding me down its paths
My eyes aren't always open
Sometimes I can be blinded on my way
Yet I have met one crossroad
Knowing I'll meet more
But now I feel prepared

It's scary and nerve-wreaking
How caution I am around my friends
Trying not to say anything wrong
Or do a stupid thing
They've blamed me for things in the past
And called me a bad friend
But all that is behind me
All has been resolved
Hasn't it?

Writing and family
Were always the constants in my life
They had seen me through every problem
They have helped me find my path
Now I've found a new thing in my life
Someone who is there to be depended on
The kind and captor of my heart
He makes all the fears and pains
Go away

A week from now I'll be an adult
But will I be mature enough
To take on the role
Can I be independent
Or has time gone too fast
For me to grow to be on my own
Or will I always be dependent
On the people in my life
And see I can't live up to the role

For the longest time
I have been that little girl
Full of dreams
I have seen my dreams morph
From fairy tales to wedding days
Now my dreams are special
Things I know I can hope to reach
Because now that he's by my side
I know he'll help me through the troubles

From friend
To boyfriend
And soon to husband
From child to woman
From daughter
To wife and mother
My dreams of family
Of my own
Are close to me

Truth be told
I have never felt like this
Like nothing has made me happier
Light headed and those wonderful butterflies
When ever he even says my name
I can now say "I love you"
With all of my heart and soul
And when I hear those three words back
I know that the words are from the heart

I had always dreamt of a fairytale romance
Of true love and happily ever after
I've found it in him
He is everything I have ever dreamed of
And I know that he's the one
He is my lover and my best friend
We can talk for hours
If anything goes wrong in my life
He's always had a comforting embrace

I remember long ago
Sitting down as little girls
My friends and I tried to write our vows
To our imaginary husbands
Back then I couldn't find the words
To say to someone who wasn't real
But I know now that if I sat down
To write my vows to him
The words would be harder

I would never be able to find
The right words
To express what I feel about him
And how he makes everything so right
He's a dream come true
One I never thought I'd find
So I would want the words to be perfect
To hear his words of love as well
Until death do us part

Now I wear a ring on my finger
Knowing that soon the band will change
To the one he'll give to me
On bended knee
I know he'll have one on his own finger
In the future
As we stand in front of family and friends
Our hands held together
As those words of love are shared

My future doesn't seem so bleak now
As the days tick by
Until the days I must leave
The safety of the nest my family has given me
I know I won't be alone
I'll have him and my friends
And my family will always be there
I will always have writing
When things get really bad

I've never been so sure of what I want
I had always been fearful
Of making the wrong choice
But as in the days of old
I believe in fate
In a destiny already planned
But I believe we have a say now
Of the best choices in our lives
And I know I can make them now

Writing through the years
Changing from style to style
Searching for where I am most comfortable
From poetry to stories and back again
Poetry seems to be a favorite
Though I have found a different style now
Something hush-hush
Of secrets deep in your minds
It lets me bring things inside to life

My love for children has guided me
To help to prepare them for life
To teach them and be there for them
This love has helped me find a goal
Something I wish to be
Though I believe
That love was destined to lead me here
On this path to teach
To help them find their own futures

More dreams
And different paths
Show me the possibilities
A teacher, a writer
A bookstore filled with books
A cozy cafe to relax in
A fireplace to curl up in front of
A book in your lap
All of these pictures in my head

My insatiable thirst for knowledge
Drives me to reach each goal
To find and learn more
To find out why things are so
This must be why I hold so many dreams
I just want to learn about everything
Ad I know I must continue to take it in
To try and ease that need
To hold all the knowledge out there

So now I see how full my mind is
Things I must write down
To try and get it all in words
Before they disappear into the void
The storage where my thoughts are held
These words are from my inner soul
My innermost secrets kept
My biggest fears and dreams
The words don't seem to stop

Time has seemed to go so fast
And all I can do
Is try to keep up
To not get lost in the crowd is hard
I must find where I belong
I know life is short
And you should always look in every direction
To take in everything you can
And live life to the fullest

DTP Part 73

Thinking (Part 2)
Written on: February 9, 2004 (age seventeen)

When I was young
I couldn't wait to fall in love
But back then
I didn't know
That it would hurt so bad
I didn't know
That I would suffer heartache
Upon heartache

Now as I sit here
Writing what's on my mind
Thinking about these past years
And everything I've faced
Boys who like to hurt
The people they love
Boys who tell you lies
And trust you to believe them

Kind of strange
How I fall into their traps
How I always end up
With the bad ones
I guess I've always
Like the challenge
Or maybe
I just want to love everyone

Sometimes I think I trust too easily
The ones who can hurt me the most
Yet even if I knew
That they were going to hurt me
I still stick around
Hoping to change them
To make them stop hurting me
And hurting themselves

DTP Part 72

Thinking
Written on: January 12, 2004 (age seventeen)

Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why I worry so much
About life
About death
I wonder if he's going to buy a ring
Man, I'm only seventeen
Why should I worry and wonder
Why can't I stand out
And live my life

Sometimes I think about the future
How easy it can change in a snap
It scares me so much
That I can't sleep at night
My hands shake
I cry
I'll try to write my life away
As I sit alone in my room
No one really understands

I've heard it all before
I've been told I'm a bad friend
They just don't seem to understand
How I need to get away sometimes
I need to live my life the way I do
By getting some alone time
So I can write
So my mind can explore
So I can be myself

Someday, I know, I'll have to grow up
To break out of my shy shell
To be a grown up
I'll have a job
I'll be in school
I'll be on my own
I might have a man
Or I might be alone
I'm just scared

Some days I make myself sick
With fear and worry
Will I make it on my own
Will I live up to my own expectations
Am I strong enough
I can close my eyes
And see what I want
I can reach as far as I can
Yet I can't reach them so far

I want a home and family of my own
I want to be a mother
I want to be a writer
I want to be who I can be
I want to be a good role model
And bring my kids up right
I want a loving husband
I can love in return
So many wishes

One day I'll open my eyes
To see the path I will travel
It will be clear to me
Or so I hope
I know I wish for a lot
Maybe someday
Some of my dreams and wishes will come true
I'll have my dream life
If only I can bring it about

I seek the knowledge
That is floating around
There is so much I want to do
I hear my friends talk about
What they want to do
I want to say to them
How I want to learn
All that there is
Forever

I wish life could be easy
With less choices and demands
A straight path we can follow
Without all those twists and bends
But what is the fun in that
Sometimes I like it the hard way
Not knowing where it will lead
Sometime the surprise is all we need
To make it through this life

Sometimes people ask me
What I believe in
And I can't answer their question
Because I know there's something out there
I just don't know who or what
I want to know all there is
Before I make the decision
Of what I believe in
Who can't see the sense in that

Now love is a different story
There's so much that I can say
There is a man in my life right now
Who I love more than anything
He's my friend and my lover
He's my trust and my rock
There is no one else like him
But he's so far away
Across a vast, wide country

Love is a hard thing
We all learn to adore
We all wish for it
And find it
Sometimes it makes us happy
Sometimes it makes us sad
And sometimes we feel both
Happiness and sadness
Love is a strange and wonderful thing

I love full-heartedly
Forever and for always
When I First fall in love
Nothing can stop me
But now that I have someone
Who loves me just as much
I'm so afraid to lose him
I hope it will always last
And that we'll be together

I want to build my dreams with him
To have a family with him
Yet I don't plan out our future
I live life one day at a time
And hope for the best
And no more tears
Or heartache
And hopefully we'll build our dreams together
As one

So as I sit here and think of many things
My life is passing by
My hand gets sore of writing
My mind is wandering again
As seconds pass into minutes
And minutes into hours
My mind is full of the knowledge I know
Yet it yearns to be filled with more
All will go well

I will be able to reach my dreams and wishes
I will make those that are possible come true
I will have my happily ever after
And I will be able to share it with someone special
My heart has been overjoyed
With the hopes I have
My mind has taken on a path
Full of twists and bends
And I am happy to be traveling it again

So now I want to sit and wonder
Of times to come
And times of the past
My heart will be filled of passion and promises
My mind will be full of knowledge
My home will be filled with love and family
My beliefs will be decided on
And I will live life to the fullest
And I will finally be happy