DTP Part 72

Thinking
Written on: January 12, 2004 (age seventeen)

Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why I worry so much
About life
About death
I wonder if he's going to buy a ring
Man, I'm only seventeen
Why should I worry and wonder
Why can't I stand out
And live my life

Sometimes I think about the future
How easy it can change in a snap
It scares me so much
That I can't sleep at night
My hands shake
I cry
I'll try to write my life away
As I sit alone in my room
No one really understands

I've heard it all before
I've been told I'm a bad friend
They just don't seem to understand
How I need to get away sometimes
I need to live my life the way I do
By getting some alone time
So I can write
So my mind can explore
So I can be myself

Someday, I know, I'll have to grow up
To break out of my shy shell
To be a grown up
I'll have a job
I'll be in school
I'll be on my own
I might have a man
Or I might be alone
I'm just scared

Some days I make myself sick
With fear and worry
Will I make it on my own
Will I live up to my own expectations
Am I strong enough
I can close my eyes
And see what I want
I can reach as far as I can
Yet I can't reach them so far

I want a home and family of my own
I want to be a mother
I want to be a writer
I want to be who I can be
I want to be a good role model
And bring my kids up right
I want a loving husband
I can love in return
So many wishes

One day I'll open my eyes
To see the path I will travel
It will be clear to me
Or so I hope
I know I wish for a lot
Maybe someday
Some of my dreams and wishes will come true
I'll have my dream life
If only I can bring it about

I seek the knowledge
That is floating around
There is so much I want to do
I hear my friends talk about
What they want to do
I want to say to them
How I want to learn
All that there is
Forever

I wish life could be easy
With less choices and demands
A straight path we can follow
Without all those twists and bends
But what is the fun in that
Sometimes I like it the hard way
Not knowing where it will lead
Sometime the surprise is all we need
To make it through this life

Sometimes people ask me
What I believe in
And I can't answer their question
Because I know there's something out there
I just don't know who or what
I want to know all there is
Before I make the decision
Of what I believe in
Who can't see the sense in that

Now love is a different story
There's so much that I can say
There is a man in my life right now
Who I love more than anything
He's my friend and my lover
He's my trust and my rock
There is no one else like him
But he's so far away
Across a vast, wide country

Love is a hard thing
We all learn to adore
We all wish for it
And find it
Sometimes it makes us happy
Sometimes it makes us sad
And sometimes we feel both
Happiness and sadness
Love is a strange and wonderful thing

I love full-heartedly
Forever and for always
When I First fall in love
Nothing can stop me
But now that I have someone
Who loves me just as much
I'm so afraid to lose him
I hope it will always last
And that we'll be together

I want to build my dreams with him
To have a family with him
Yet I don't plan out our future
I live life one day at a time
And hope for the best
And no more tears
Or heartache
And hopefully we'll build our dreams together
As one

So as I sit here and think of many things
My life is passing by
My hand gets sore of writing
My mind is wandering again
As seconds pass into minutes
And minutes into hours
My mind is full of the knowledge I know
Yet it yearns to be filled with more
All will go well

I will be able to reach my dreams and wishes
I will make those that are possible come true
I will have my happily ever after
And I will be able to share it with someone special
My heart has been overjoyed
With the hopes I have
My mind has taken on a path
Full of twists and bends
And I am happy to be traveling it again

So now I want to sit and wonder
Of times to come
And times of the past
My heart will be filled of passion and promises
My mind will be full of knowledge
My home will be filled with love and family
My beliefs will be decided on
And I will live life to the fullest
And I will finally be happy